The 10 commandments of the 10 Commandments

1. You should read these periodically to get a sense of how much simpler life was 3000 years ago. Seriously, there’s no “Thou shalt not drive in the HOV lane alone” or “Thou shall pay thine artists for the music they hath created” or “Thou Shalt Thinkest Global and Actest Local” or anything.
2. Most of the “guides for life” commandments (#4-10) can be summed up by the expression “Don’t be an a-hole”
3. Isn’t it weird that God would say he’s “a jealous god” in a commandment? TMI, Dude! I guess He worked on that by the time Jesus rolled around, since He was all lovey-dovey by then.
4. Does that then imply that God can change over time? And how does that work? Does god have a shrink? Or He’s just really good at introspection? I guess just the introspection – He is omniscient, after all. Should be a cakewalk for Him.
5. Wait a second… doesn’t God admitting he’s just a Jealous Guy mean God Himself is violating the “coveting” commandments? Isn’t he just Coveting Baal’s House in this case?
6. The Golden Rule isn’t a commandment, but it arguably should be.
7. #4 (the killing one) doesn’t apply for most folk, so you can consider it a “freebie”
8. Does saying “God Damn it!” really break #3? Since “God” technically is more of a nickname than an actual name. What about “Jesus H Tapdancing Christ?” “Sweet Zombie Jeebus?” Does parody/satire/fair use count?
9. While #6 does in fact admonish stealing, it’s actually OK to steal from big faceless corporations. It’s a little known fact that the Disciples didn’t pay for their cable hookup. Stephen was an unrepentant shoplifter throughout his tenure.
10. “Do not commit adultery,” if you think about it, kinda condones premarital Boning.

(inspired by an intro to a This American Life episode on the prevelance of 10 commandments)


posted in rant by chip

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1 Comment to "The 10 commandments of the 10 Commandments"

  1. tdeclercq wrote:

    I’ve always liked how some people think that “Thou Shalt Not Lie” is a commandment. What it really says is “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness,” but that doesn’t really come close if you ask me. OK, I’m not going to tell somebody I saw something happen to get them in or out of trouble, but that’s about as far as I feel I’m legally bound by these commandment doohickeys. Swearing on the Bible in a court of law? Sure I’ll tell the truth. Otherwise, I’m playing mind games.

    By the way, I think you’ve got God on #5. Dear God: Chip’s got you there.

    One question: Is there anything I can covet? Because if not, can we just merge commandments #9 and #10 (in the Roman Catholic version) into one big ol’ commandment? Those Jewish people figured that one out a long time ago.

    Seems like we could merge commandments 1-3 into one big ol’ commandment, too. “Dudes, I’m God. Respect my authoritah.”

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